In 2012, Some of my thoughts

 No one really ever told me how demanding being a mother was going to be. No one ever mentioned that being a mother is a job, a life time, 24/7, on call type of job, with no down time, and few tangible rewards. No one bothered to point out that motherhood was the stuff nations were made from, that the “hand that rocks the cradle rules the world” type of thing. I was told to get married because women always marry and to have children because they are the natural consequence of marriage. Marriage was supposed to be a fairy tale with a prince charming and a castle, and kids were supposed to be well behaved unspeaking little people. After accomplishing this goal, I can then return to a life of career woman and part time mothering of children that I don’t know and only care about in so far as they don’t embarrass me or bring my hard earned reputation down. Motherhood was something to do along the path of finding female glory, not a state of being but a chore or duty to accomplish, sort of like a notch on the bedpost. Being a wife too was never glorified in my growing up years. It was something to be tolerated, an achievement to be lauded in important circles, that would show all and sundry that I wasn’t a “loose” woman, and my genes were desirable to the opposite sex. In addition to this unglamorous view of mother and wife, I also learned from society that success as a mother is not a worthwhile pursuit, nor something that would bring me honor or glory of any kind. Now not to say that I’m all about glory and praise from people, I’m trying to make a point that for any woman to pursue these two roles, as an end in themselves, is not something that is encouraged. So then I grew up to marry the most suitable suitor and by God’s blessings, begot children with him. I found that I loved being a wife; the whole submission to my husband thing, leaning and depending on him, trusting in his love for me, and so many other things was just astounding for me. It was bliss right here on earth and I was thankful that I had listened to my elders and married. When I expressed a desire to stay at home and focus on my husband and our home and any potential children though, it was coldly received. What about independence, about owning your own life, about career and freedom to co-mingle with peers who understood my drive, shared my ambitions, and generally could support me to attain the heights of my career? What about success, not wasting my hard earned university degree, earning a high income, and achieving rank and status in my career? In the midst of my confusion and conflicting emotions, arrived my first child, a precious bundle and a clear miracle from God, the Most High, and a manifest blessing and answer to our prayers. This wonderful bundle of joy had already impacted me greatly. Before she was born, I had already changed and grown in preparation for her arrival. Before even conceiving of her, my outlook was starting to change, mostly due to my role as a wife. The “natural” and “traditional” ways were becoming much more attractive and much more sensible to me. These ways glorified womanhood, embracing and accepting its intricacies. I didn’t have to view my period as something to “deal” with every month, but a gift that would allow conception of the next generation. Womanhood was beautiful, graceful, inspiring, and perfect in its formation, not to be changed, modified, managed, handled, dealt with, somehow codified and/or confined to certain perimeters. Why not have natural birth control, by learning your own body and using the plethora of information to prepare for or avoid conception. Why not have natural birth, without drugs, the un-medicated and un-managed way (for a low risk pregnancy). After all, women and their womanhood have been in existence since the beginning of time. Nothing about women was new, just the mentality of what is involved had recently changed. Why should I be swept away with the feminist movements’ mentality and consider their way, a relatively new way of viewing women, as the right way. So, living away in a different country, with no familiar society to judge me, nor family members from either side to tell me off, I worked to unclutter my mind and try to form a better and broader and less judgmental view of exactly what it means to be a woman, a mother, and a wife. Giving birth was a turning point for me, a pivotal place where I became firm in my decisions about motherhood, and as a result, wife-hood. When I looked at my baby daughter, I knew that I didn’t want to abandon her to a stranger, even a familiar stranger to care for her needs. She was so in need of her mother, the one programmed by the Creator to be the most compassionate of anyone who will ever care for her. How could I justify not mothering her. I had borne her. I had been born for this, specifically designed by the Lord Almighty to be successful in this field/department. No other role can suite me better than the role of motherhood (and wife-hood to the father of my children). Every other role that I can ever attempt is simply a part of the fullness of motherhood, or an imitation. The way I raise my children will impact the future, directly! I can raise individuals who will influence the world one day, be it by scholarship or teaching or healing or spreading Truth, or fighting for freedom and right or building nations and so many other wonderful things. Therein lies my campaign, my desire, my dedication and hard work, my determination to succeed, my ambition. To fully embrace my true role, the role I had been created and especially made for, the one I have the most hope in achieving the highest success, the one with no “glass ceiling” and no masculine competition. I am woman, hear me roar! LOL. On that note and with that background, I hope inshallah to document here my struggles in “becoming”. Because I wasn’t raised to take on the role of wife and mother, but the role of a successful career woman who just happens to also be a wife and mother, I’m not very adept yet at handling my roles. Almost five years into the journey, I’m realizing my early mistakes and rectifying even as I continue because like I said in the beginning, wife and mother roles are 24/7, on call, life time jobs, with no retirement age, and very little tangible rewards. But I still love this job the most. I am most suited to it. I feel that I can handle it, and I’m willing to learn, and no mistake is truly fatal so long as I work everything out from the heart, with the best intentions, being willing to change and grow and learn and rectify whatever I can. In this sphere, there is no possibility of demotion, of being overtaken by a younger competitor, of hitting the glass ceiling, of being fired or handed the pink slip. In this sphere, I can only get better in everything, so long as I keep doing it and trying. No other job can offer me such security and as most women will tell you, we women crave security. Well, I was going to write a short and sweet introduction so I’m not exactly sure where all that came from. I tried to keep in concise though I can’t guarantee anything. The matter is not done, I’m not yet what I aim to be, but until I die, I will keep striving, keep trying, keep becoming. I am not yet, I’m becoming. Welcome to my journey, I would love to hear any positive encouragement from those who are further along in their journeys and any helpful commentaries on this matter. There is no Will but His Will so I bend and submit mine, hoping for success.